I’m leaving this fair city. Die schönste Stadt der Welt. Meine Perle. Hamburg.
I didn’t take the decision lightly. I’ve had a lot of really great times in this place. Germany is a wonderful country. I feel very much at home strolling through this city, hearing German spoken around me. I will certainly miss it.
As regular readers will know, I’ve been dealing with depression. A side effect of which has been some soul searching to work out what it is that I should do to cope with it.
It became quite clear quite quickly that it was my work that was causing the majority of my depression. I was in one of the few sessions I had with a therapist when she said:
“I think you need to allow yourself to do a different job.”
The way she phrased it really hit me. “Allow yourself”. The penny dropped with a clang: I have the power to change this.
Almost everyone who I’ve spoken to about how I was feeling had said that I should move on if the job wasn’t working for me. They teed me up to hear it from a professional. So, though the penny dropped during the session, it had been helped along the way.
It’s a little ironic, I guess, that the people whom I’ve become so friendly with were a large part of how I became receptive to the idea of trying something new.
I really don’t want to leave my friends here. While at the same time, I realise that, really, they’re the only thing keeping me here. I came to this city because of the job I found here and, looking around, there isn’t any other job here that I’d actually like to do… I fear I wouldn’t be able to find a balance if I stayed.
The prospect of moving on is a little scary. The fact that there’s no certainty I’ll find a job I love by leaving here isn’t the cause, though. It’s more that my friends here have been instrumental in supporting me through my depression and on the start of my journey towards recovery.
My Irish Course
No matter how much I struggle to remember the vocabulary or the pronunciation of a word during my Irish lessons, my teacher and classmates encourage me to keep trying. I always leave lessons with a smile on my face and a feeling of accomplishment.
“Is fearr Gaeilge bhriste, ná Béarla clíste.”
An Irish saying which means: “Broken Irish is better than clever English.”
Having so much fun every week learning such a niche language with such a diverse group of people has been one of those wonderful, special, and insane experiences that makes life worth living. I’ll treasure the memory of those lessons.
Hamburg GAA – the soundest club in Europe
No matter how much my muscles are screaming at me to stop working hard at training, my teammates are there to drive me on and congratulate me on doing my best. I always leave training feel like I deserve a relaxing bath and an early night.
“Hurling’s a game for the gods, and gods play it” – Micheál Ó Muircheartaigh, The Game
Hurling, more than any other experience here, has reminded me what it feels like to breath the air with my whole being, rather than simply out of habit. The men and women of this club are truly inspiring. They make me want to be the best I can be, both on and off the field. Their selfless commitment to the team and the sport are a sight to behold. I hope to, in one way or another, keep hurling in my life.
People make the place
What I’ve learned most from the last few weeks of coming to terms with my departure from Hamburg is how much we fit into people rather than into places. Though I do consider Hamburg my home, it’s the people who’ve made it so.
I’m going to seriously miss the people with whom I’ve shared feelings of happiness and satisfaction. Not least because, in ways they don’t even know, they carried me through some of the darkest times.
I’m worried that we’ll lose touch. I’m worried that I’ll never be able to repay the debt of gratitude I have for every time they said “Hi!” with a smile, for every word of encouragement, for every patient explanation, for every time they pulled me back from the darkness and showed me the light.
Trying to look forward to the future
It’s not all sadness that I’m feeling. Parting is, after all, a sweet sorrow. I suppose that’s because the closing of a chapter means the beginning of another. I do feel a sense of freedom that I didn’t while at work, which is definitely a sweet way to feel.
It’s a feeling of freedom that’s made up of equal parts excitement and apprehension. There are so many things that I could do with my life. For the immediate future, I’ve booked myself onto some sailing courses back in the UK with a view to make the sea my next destination.
Thinking about it now, that’s a very “me” thing to do – to choose such a vague place to aim for! That said, I think I’ve always been on my way there in one way or another. Since I learned to sail, the sea has had a draw on me.
From my first long distance trip between Mallorca and the Isle of Wight in 2012…
During my time with SURNU…
Just a couple of years ago in Meganisi, Greece…
All the way to last year’s Hafengeburtstag!
I guess the sea has always been the destination. I just got lost along the way
Maybe this is my first step on my own path. Maybe it’s not.
So, here I go…
As the date of my departure gets closer, I’ve been trying to work out what I want and need to say to everyone before I leave. For some people, the impact they’ve had on my life has been so profound that the depth of feeling has reduced me to tears just at the thought of having to say goodbye.
They’re the people I called when I needed a friend.
They’re the people who stayed with me as the storm raged in my head.
They’re the people who greeted me with a smile.
They’re the people who made me feel that I wasn’t alone.
You know who you are. I couldn’t have gotten here without you.
For making it so difficult to say goodbye: Thank You.
A Briton Abroad 
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